How to Shift From Fixing to Feeling
I am curious if you are a fixer like so many other parents I know?
Here’s the thing: If you are like most parents you love to try to fix things!
You love to try to solve the problems your child is experiencing, be there to protect and rescue them.
When you child is sad, hurt or worried, you may feel an anguish that no other human can feel than a parent. You just want your child to feel better….
Inherently, there is nothing wrong in any of that! Yet fixing is not the answer…
When we approach an issue from a mindset of “fixing”, it implies that something is broken. It says that something needs to be put back together..
The Latin origin of the word “to fix” is fixus which means “immovable”, “steady” or “stable” which implies that things that need to be fixed are “unsteady” or “unstable”.
The problem is that when we come from “fix it’ attitude, the person receiving our attempts to fix them, feels that they are broken, unstable or unsteady.
This is not helpful especially for a child who already has so many challenges ahead of them. They need all the confidence and resources possible to launch successfully into this world, and they need people around them who love and accept them exactly the way they are…
If you keep thinking that there is something wrong with you because of the feelings and reactions you are having, you are treating yourself as a broken individual.
Instead of pulling yourself up, and rising above the challenges you keep pushing yourself down which keeps you in a state of helplessness and victimhood.
You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are right now AND there is always room for all of us to grown and transform. This growth, however does not come from a place of being broken but from a place of you becoming who you already are inside all the gunk that life has piled up over you.
There is nothing broken or wrong with YOUR CHILD when they are having big emotions or feelings that they act out!
There is nothing wrong with YOU when you are having big emotions and feelings that you act out!
My invitation for you today is to let go of this mindset that your child OR yourself needs fixing! It is exhausting, it doesn’t work, and it is not true!
Big feelings and big reactions are part of being human, especially being a human child.
There is nothing to fix when your child
- is angry
- is sad
- is mad
- is worried
- yells at you that she hates you
- hits, kicks or bites
There is nothing to fix when you
- are frustrated and angry
- are worried
- engage in power struggles
- say mean things
- are sad
- are anxious
- are hopeless
Instead of fixing, you just simply get to feel your feelings and let your child feel theirs.
This non-judgmental mindfulness and acceptance of your feelings is what leads to them also dissolving.
Feelings are like the wind. They come and go… They blow hard and sometimes gently… Just let the wind of feelings blow through you… You are strong and can just watch, observe and feel the storm without trying to stop it or deny its existence. Just like a tree would…
Just see and feel them arise and go away…
Realize that feelings in their pure essence are neither pleasant or unpleasant…. They just are what they are… It is our ego that puts a judgement on them. It puts evaluations onto them like “I like this” or “I hate this”… “I wish this feeling would go away” or “I should not be feeling this way”…
By just feeling and embracing your feelings instead fixing them, you transform them into healthy energy and healing.
When you learn to BE with your feelings this way, so will your child.
And that my friend, is one of the greatest gift you can give to your child!
You can’t fake it or teach it directly though which is why you get to “walk the walk so you can talk the talk”!
With Much Light & Love,
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